"You'd Make a Lovely Cocaine Dealer"

So, at my current place of employment, there are two floors, and there are about 100 employees who roam around during the day.  Needless to say, there are some interesting folk.  As the receptionist, I happen to see most of these people on a daily basis, some more often than I'd care to.  One colleague in particular happens to have the most off-the-wall sense of humor I've encountered in a work setting.  Wait, did I mention that he's really good looking?  Like, he-looks-like-Matt-Damon-good-looking?

I should preface these little gold nuggets of wisdom with the fact that I only run into Matt Damon Look-alike if he brings his milkshake to the reception yard or if we are both in the lunch room together.

These conversations speak for themselves.  You're welcome.  Behold:

Scene 1: Matt Damon-Look-alike (hereinafter MDL) appears before me at reception while I'm still studying for the bar exam at work.  (God, I love this place.)


MDL:   "How's the studying going?" (Everyone apparently caught wind of the fact that the receptionist had a law degree. I told a few people and found out how quickly intraoffice instant messenger creates rumors. I actually happened to tell him personally, however. Some people took a real interest in it and were very sweet about it, including him.)

Me:       "Alright, just trying to read as much as possible."

MDL:   "The test is about memorization, right?  You should try that ginko biloba stuff."

Me:       "Well, the memorization isn't the hard part, it's just trying to find the time."

MDL:   "Or you could try cocaine?"

Me:      I smile sarcastically.  "That's an excellent suggestion, I'll try that."

MDL walks away pleased with himself.




Scene 2: MDL appears before me at reception.  I pretend to act non-chalant.  You'll see why.

MDL:  "So, how's it going?"

Me:      "Good."

MDL:   "You glad to be done with the test?

Me:       "Very!  Except that now I don't know what to do with my life."

MDL:    Pauses briefly for thought.  "You should take the MCATs, that test to get into medical school?"

Me:       "Nah, I already have enough debt as it is however awesome it would be to be both a lawyer and a doctor."

MDL:   "No, not to actually go to medical school--" (I have a bad habit of interrupting.  Note to self:  work on that!)

Me:       "--oh, to just take the test?"

MDL:   "Yeah, you should just take every standardized test there is!"

Me:       "That's a horrible really good idea."

MDL:   "Or!  You could get a truck driving license and haul 10 ton gasoline tankers and have a barbeque on the back!"

Me:      "You know, if this law thing doesn't pan out, I should look into that.  Maybe the hazard pay will pay off my student loans faster than working at McDonalds."

That's all I remember from that conversation.  I think it ended in awkward laughter and hurried footsteps down the hall.


Scene 3:  I feel the urge to say, "Hi," to MDL at his cubicle and feign poor cell reception in an effort to cleverly disguise said urge.


Me:  "Oh, so this is where you sit!  Wait, you sit here alone?  Why isn't anyone else in these cubes?"

MDL:  "Every time someone sits near me they mysteriously leave.  Be careful over here, you might get fired if you're here too long."

Me:     "I'm a temp, I'm leaving anyway."

MDL:  "Well, just be careful."

Me:  Noticing a suitcase next to him. "You going somewhere?"

MDL:  "Yeah, I'm going to a wedding and then to Texas for work."

Me:  "Oh, I'm jealous!  I've always wanted to go to Texas!"

MDL:  Examines state of black, beaten up suitcase.  "Look at this thing, it's so beat up, the zippers are all gone.  I borrowed it from my gir--- a girl who used to be my girlfriend."

Me:  Trying to hide my shock at awkward moment.  "That's nice of her."

MDL:  "I use it more than she does.  I should just buy it off her!  You know, you should never let me borrow your luggage."

Me:  "Mine's pink.  I don't know that you'd want to."

MDL:  "It would be easy to spot."

Me:  "It is quite helpful at baggage claim."

MDL:  "So, how's the studying going? (Again, a very common question during those two months.)

Me:  "Well, I get two weeks off starting Monday and I'm really starting to feel the heat!  I'm commuting and it's really hard to get all the studying in that I need, so I basically live with my face shoved in that giant book I'm always reading."

MDL:  "You know, you should get out, take a walk, change gears for a while.  That helps me when I'm stressed.  Or there's always cocaine."

Me:  "I have absolutely not considered this option.  Except that I don't know where to get it."

MDL:  "I could always put you in contact with one of my dealers.  I know a few people here.  America's Sweetheart is one of them.  (Sidebar:  America's Sweetheart is one of our co-workers who happens to be one of the nicest people you'll ever meet.  She's always putting others first.)

Me:  Distracted momentarily by America's Sweetheart's hubby walking down the hall.  (Yes, America's Sweetheart and her husband are both employed at the same place.  As the same occupation.  It's like eating an entire chocolate bar and falling into a diabetic coma it's so sweet. )  "....as Mr. America's Sweetheart walks by...."  

MDL:  Eyes Mr. Sweetheart as well and beckons him over to his cubicle as I inwardly wince in anticipation of the following conversation.  "Mr. Sweetheart, wouldn't you say that your wife would be the top of the list of people who would be least likely to sell drugs?"

Mr. S:  Appears dumbfounded and at a total loss for words.  He recovers slowly.  "You mean would she be the first person you'd go to to buy drugs?"

MDL:  "Just the opposite.  Wouldn't she be at the top of the list of people least likely to sell drugs?  I mean, she's like the nicest woman in the world."

Mr. S.:  Finally catches on.  "Well, what kind of drugs?"

MDL:  "Cocaine."

Mr. S:  "Mmm I don't know about cocaine, but maybe marijuana.  She'd probably be the one to make sure everyone else was having a good high and that they had enough munchies."


Not only did this conversation truly occur, but it occurred on two other similar occasions within a three week span.  It may or may not have involved America's Sweetheart herself.  Hey, at least he keeps us on our toes!